Saturday, June 05, 2010

on being pregnant

well, most people in my life know that I am pregnant,
but maybe the people who read this blog (there must be some of you left!) don't all know yet.

I am actually half way there. But the thing is this:
sometimes I am afraid that something will go wrong.

Last summer in June, my husband and I found out that we were pregnant,
we did an excited (and partially surprised) happy dance.
We told many of our close friends right away and around 9 weeks we told pretty much everyone and our families.

I had seen my family doctor early on, but because of a genetic blood clotting disorder I have, we were referred to a high risk doctor. When I was able to get in there at 10 weeks, we found out some sad news. It turned out that the little developing egg never really developed. It turned out in the end to be a molar pregnancy, something despite being a nurse, I had never heard of before.
A molar pregnancy is when the cells for some reason come together and divide properly. In fact, it basically is like a tumor and can end up being cancerous. So I had to have a chest x-ray and everything to make sure it didn't spread. You can imagine the shock of going in for an ultrasound to see your baby and instead discovering you may have cancer. A little unsettling to say the least.

After this news, I had to have blood work to make sure all my hCG levels (or baby hormones if you will) were coming done, if they went up that can be a sign that the cells have spread. Because of this, we also had to wait 6 months before trying to get pregnant again. The good news was that if you wait the 6 months, and your hCG has come way down, it is very rare to have it happen again.

So, 6 months later, we started trying again, and bingo, first time's a charm!

My lovely lovely lovely OB/GYN Dr. Cargill booked us in right away at 6 weeks for an ultrasound.

That ultrasound was nothing more than a dot, the teeniest dot. But that little dot... it had a heartbeat.
We decided to tell our friends and family right away, it was amazing to have their support the first time through, and a missions trip I was supposed to go on but didn't because I was advised against it, pretty much gave away that something was up.

We've had probably 4 ultrasounds already, though the last one was around 12 weeks, and I have heard the heartbeat 3 times since then, but I still get this dreading feeling right before I have my next appointment. I find that doing things that make this pregnancy seem more real help, like registering for baby items, and telling my work, and even writing this post (probably part of the delay in writing it has to do with a little fear).

But here is the thing. My God is a big God. He sees me, and Thom and he knows our hearts. I trust Him and love Him no matter what.

I believe this baby will come, he or she will come healthy and will be loved loved loved.
By us, our family and all our friends.

Monday we have our ultrasound to find out if baby is a he or a she.
I will be putting a little picture up here after that.