Tuesday, August 16, 2011

some thoughts...

miss Isla is now 9 and a half months old.

this means that my maternity leave is quickly coming to an end.
to give context to the rest of this post, i must say that i have been pretty much anticipating motherhood since i was 17 or 18 years old, and pretty much every thought that i've had over the 12 years since then about being a mother, included me staying at home with my children.

it has been my maybe plan all year long, but looking into it, in the real world, we cannot financially afford for me to stay home. i know that this is the case for a lot of families, and it feels so frustrating to have going back to work not be a choice, but necessary.

in our case, it's not even a matter of trimming the budget here, or shifting money there... we truly will not be able to pay our current required bills if i do not go back to work.

I do know that once we pay off our debt (or more of it anyway) we will more than likely be able to live on one income, but for now this is not the case.

this has been feeling like a big let down over the past few days.
whenever i get Isla after a nap, or pick her up after a fall, or tell her no thank you; i think to myself, who can possibly do this for her like i can?

i wasn't even going to worry about it or figure it out until september, but my work has inquired into when i may be returning ( i kind of forgot that i went off early on sick leave, so they probably are a little confused)

needless to say, lots of budget finagling and doodling and jigging and it looks like i'm headed back.

the nice thing is that i have a lot of ladies around me who have been there.
so i know that i will have lots of support when i do go back, and also i sure am thankful that i got to have a full year off, i know my mom didn't with me, and i know that you momma's in the States don't have that luxury either.

i imagine that the sad feelings won't completely disappear,
but i am certainly going to make the most of these remaining months

and more (MOST!) importantly,
i know that God will work all this out,
i know that he knows my heart and that he loves me and my Isla and my little family,


1 comment:

pintucks said...

Oh dude - I so totally get this. It's not easy, that is for sure. I went back after Anika and it was hard. (The anticipation of going back almost killed me. ACTUALLY going back was....well, less hard maybe. But still). I remember the first business trip they wanted me to take - I literally flew to San Francisco for I think 36 hours. I arrived late afternoon, stayed overnight, and got the redeye home the next night. Crazy town.

BUT - you make it work and there are things you will see and experience having her in daycare too that you wouldn't have seen otherwise. That's pretty great too. (Someday I will show you the video of Anika's first Christmas Concert at her little school. She sat on stage and shook some bells as she'd apparently been told and then....froze when she saw the people and didn't move for the next three songs. HILARIOUS).

I'm home now with the kids, and I wouldn't have it any other way...well, I would have preferred a slightly less tumultuous/painful way of getting here, but you know - all things for good, right?

The point I'm trying to make is that even though I vastly prefer being home...I'm glad I did it. I know now that it was absolutely the right decision for us - the kids, me, our family. I don't have any doubt about that because I tried it the other way.

God has an interesting way of eliminating guilt or doubt or questioning. When you DO get your turn to be the stay at home mama you want to be, you'll be able to embrace it completely. And it's going to be great no matter what.

Enjoy the next few months and hang in there - it's all going to be great.